Santa Claus is a Black Gay Vampire

You may be too young to know the truth about Santa Claus, but dear old Saint Nick is not the affable Anglo-Saxon philanthropist he appears to be.  In fact, evidence suggests that he is an unholy creature of the night, an ancient vampire who would suck your blood if you didn’t placate him with milk and cookies.

Saint Nicholas was born in Turkey in the third century AD, more than 1700 years ago.  Although rumored to have perished at the age of 73, he must have been trans-substantiated by some forgotten fiend.  Turned into a being that would burn in the light of day, old Saint Nick was gradually driven north from the Mediterranean.  Who knows how long it took him to reach the North Pole, but once there, he could flee the sun no further.  Pillaging the wild norths of Europe, Asia, and North America, he enslaved a race of twinkish elves to feed his ageless thirst.  For six months of the year, his world was darkness, and he could devote his time to his chosen art of toycraft.  When the springtime sun began to peek over the horizon, he slipped into his icy coffin and did not dream.  Also, Saint Nick was a black guy.  Only centuries of light deprivation have turned his skin to alabaster.

By 1800, Nick was ready to reintroduce himself to the world. Fueled by the terrible power of his vanity, he longed to showcase his craftsmanship.  In drawings of his earliest reappearance, the young devil looks older than he does now, more than two centuries later.  Santa Claus, as he came to be called, had developed supreme supernatural abilities.  Engorged by generations of elf-blood, clothed in a puffy suit dyed red by the same, he cast evil magicks on horned beasts to pull his sleigh through the air.  He visited all Christian homes in a single night, mocking their pious heresy with his toys of unparalleled ingenuity.  He was clairvoyant, nearly omniscient; he could see you when you were sleeping, and knew when you were awake.  To fit down chimneys he simply turned himself into a bat.  He landed a sweet old beard named Mrs. Claus to hide his flamboyant homosexuality—an orientation he shares with most vampires descended from Anne Rice novels.

That’s why Christmas is near the winter solstice: it’s not really the birthday of Jesus, but it is quite nearly the longest and darkest night of the year (Jesus was actually born on 9/11). Under the pretense of generosity, Santa fostered feelings of greed worldwide, turning the goodwill of children toward covetousness and material gain. To mollify Santa Claus, it is still customary to cleave a tree in twain and festoon it with burning lights and pincers. One should only give it enough water to prolong its suffering as long as possible.

Santa’s demonic nature is also the reason Wal-Mart and other highly observant retailers have started putting out Christmas decorations after Halloween, on the Day of the Dead.

And for the record, Santa is not evil because he’s black or gay; he’s the evil because he’s a vampire.  Same reason for Jesus re: the zombiism.

Learn more from this video starting at 3:00.


There Are No Saviors, Only Teachers

In our capitalist, conspicuously consumptive, greedily go-getting society, teaching has always been disrespected as a vocational pursuit.  They quip “those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.”  Meanwhile the public education system in the United States suffers from neglect, indifference, and outright enmity.  The most powerful nation on Earth can only claim to be mediocre when it comes to educating its children.

This is partly traced to the quintessential American attitude of self-reliance, which reacts to any public service with skepticism and distaste.  Charter schools, private schools, and home-schooling all claim to improve on public curricula that may not be good enough or spiritually suitable for your child.  The successful high-school or college dropout is especially venerated, upheld as an archetype of self-sufficiency and proof that all those physics formulae and copies of The Catcher in the Rye contribute nothing to an individual’s chance for success.

Although British, Pink Floyd said it up best.  “We don’t need no education; we don’t need no thought control.”  Although we might benefit from a refresher on the basic tenets of grammar.

Meanwhile, Christian fervor permeates American awareness, and many hold Christ the Savior in the highest regard.  The church says that not only does Christ forgive our sins, he will also return to Earth one day to right all wrongs.  The idea that Christ or another messiah is overdue to save humanity diminishes our own responsibility to make the world a better place.  Because there are no saviors, nor were there ever; there have only been men and women occasionally motivated to do or say something constructive.

Many pretenders have aspired to the role of savior since Jesus died on the cross, assuming the title of Christ or believing themselves to be his reincarnation.  The problem with thinking of yourself as a savior is that it defines you as exceptional, inhuman, infallible, and superior.  But when you think of yourself as a teacher, you are immediately humbled, made subservient to the interests of youth and inexperience, contributing whatever you can to the imperfect, cumulative development of future generations.  You don’t necessarily need a chalkboard or a classroom.  You only need to share your knowledge as best you can, and be open to the knowledge shared with you in return.

If we looked to a teacher instead of a savior, our lowest social ideal would become our highest.  And in a world abruptly faced with the drastic consequences of its history, we need teachers more than ever.